An Overused Word
My sixth-grade teacher was not a fan of LOVE. He urged us to be more specific and clearer in our language. “Love is an overused word,” he said. “We can love ice cream, love our favorite song, love a certain color — and this is the same word we use to describe our feelings about the people nearest and dearest to us. So what does love really mean?”
A guest columnist in a Chicago newspaper shared a similar view. He wrote, “Love probably suffers from overuse. For example, the classical Greek in which the New Testament of the Bible was written has literally dozens of words which we translate as simply ‘love.’ When one word is used in so many situations, it loses much of its distinctive meaning. Yet love is the word we’ve got, and I doubt we’ll change [it].” So LOVE is the word we’ve got and is the topic of my talk today.
Our UUCP mission is to Celebrate Diversity, Strive for Justice, and Inspire Love. Today’s talk is the third in a three-part series. Over this summer, I have explored threats and opportunities for us as UUs to Celebrate Diversity and Strive for Justice. Now we come to Inspire Love, the third line in our church mission statement. With all of the strains and heartaches that we have collectively and individually endured lately, it is worthwhile to consider the topic of inspiring and nurturing more love in our congregation and beyond. Today, I:
- Will identify different conceptions of love,
- Will consider what is involved in promoting and fostering love,
- and will discuss love as an essential moral and spiritual value for UUs.
Conceptions of Love
As I mentioned earlier, the Greeks had multiple words for love. Ancient Greeks studied love and denoted each type with a distinctive Greek name. In the Greek tradition, the eight types of love are:
- Philia – affectionate love
- Pragma – enduring love
- Storge (store-gay)– familiar love
- Eros – romantic love
- Ludus (loo-dus) – playful love
- Mania – obsessive love
- Philautia (fee-low-sha) – self love
- Agape – selfless love
For the purposes of this talk, I will spend just a little time on four of these types of love: philia, storge, agape, and philautia and their applications to our community. We’re all probably familiar with the saying that love is the only thing that you get more of by giving it away. While love and care can arise spontaneously, love can be deepened and nurtured through investment in the various types of relationships that I will be addressing.
Philia is non-romantic affectionate love that is epitomized by true friendship. According to one definition, “[Philia] occurs when both people share the same values and respect each other.” We demonstrate philia love when we engage in deep conversation, demonstrate trustworthiness and openness, express thanks, and help each other through difficult times. Here at UUCP, we see philia on display during our coffee hour socializing, when we lend a hand and follow through on what we commit to, and when we call and check in with each other, send a card, visit, or share a ride.
Storge (store-gay) is familiar love such as that between family members or lifelong friends. As a church, we count family groups among our congregants as well as chosen family members and people who have known each other for decades. Storge is defined as “an infinite love built upon acceptance and deep emotional connection.” Memories are the catalyst for storge love. Shared memories and experiences foster long-lasting bonds and increase the value of relationships. We build storge love when we practice forgiveness and acceptance, give our time, revisit our shared memories, and create new memories together. Storge is embodied when we tell stories about our treasured items like this podium made by Flo Fulwiler’s husband, the quilt of congregants’ hands behind me, and the mirrored mosaic bearing our mission statement which hangs in the lobby. Storge is also embodied in communal activities like workdays and potlucks or marching together in the MLK Parade.
Agape is selfless love and is considered the highest form of love. Agape can also be identified as an empathic attitude and unconditional love. According to one definition, “[Agape is] given without any expectations of receiving anything in return. Offering agape is a decision to spread love in any circumstances.” We demonstrate agape when we focus on the good of humanity and the earth and when we give our time, talents, or treasure to charitable causes. At UUCP, this includes mutual aid and volunteering with the church or in the community. Agape looks like our Manna food collections and other seasonal collections of coats, blankets, and personal items. And I imagine that we’d reach into the thousands if we added up all the hours that members and friends of UUCP spend regularly in support of an array of organizations, such as children’s issues, education and literacy, arts and culture, civic organizations, environmental causes, animals, and more.
Philautia (fee-low-sha) is self-love or self-compassion. To elaborate: “Philautia is a healthy form of love where you recognize your self-worth and don’t ignore your personal needs. Self-love begins with acknowledging your responsibility for your well-being.” Without good self-love, it becomes challenging to exemplify the outbound types of love; a person can’t offer what they don’t have. The influential feminist and cultural critic bell hooks, phrased it this way: “One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others.”
Philautia involves recognizing our worth. As UUs, our legacy of philautia is exemplified in the summation of our faith by the renowned theologian Thomas Starr King. When asked the difference between the two denominations, Starr King reportedly quipped, “The Universalists think God is too good to damn them forever; the Unitarians think they are too good to be damned forever.” Philautia is embodied in our drive to create and reside in an environment that nurtures and sustains us, to spend time among people who support us, and to practice good self-care with attention to our health and appropriate boundaries.
Our lives may contain all of these types of love. For a balanced and fulfilling life and for a healthy, thriving UU congregation, we would expect to have friendships (philia), familial-type relationships (storge), selfless acts of love and commitment to a higher purpose (agape), and self-compassion (philautia) to balance our love for others with our love, care, and attention to ourselves and our needs.
Fostering Love
So how do we foster these types of love as we aspire to live out our UUCP mission? Having given it some thought as I’ve been developing this series, I see now that it would have made more sense for me to discuss love 2nd in this lineup rather than 3rd. In other words, I would have started the series with Diversity then moved to Love and finished up with Justice. I say that because diversity and love are contributing factors for justice, so the concepts flow more naturally when we consider Diversity first, Love second, and Justice third.
Love – or its close relative empathy – provides the conditions for justice. Love and empathy are similar but different. Love is an emotion represented as attachment, connection, and attraction. Empathy, meanwhile, “focuses on the tactical ways we connect with others. It incorporates three elements: honoring another’s perspective, sitting with the person and their feelings, and, finally, taking supportive action,” according to educator Cherilyn Leet. Love and empathy both require the courage to be open and vulnerable.
Composer Joyce Poley expressed this idea in her song “When Our Heart Is in a Holy Place,” one of our well-known UU hymns. Poley writes, “[When] we see our faces in each other’s eyes, then our heart is in a holy place.” When we see our own humanity reflected back to us in others – when we see ourselves and other species as a part of us, part of the interconnected web of life – we create and allow sacred space for their existence to flourish. Recall that agape love focuses on doing what is good for all.
The presence of all of these types of love along with empathy increases the likelihood that justice and equity will exist within our relationships. Former UUA President Rev. Dr. Susan Frederick-Gray put it like this: “If our justice work does not emerge from the moral and spiritual value of love, in the end [the work] will reinforce practices of domination and violence, just in new forms.” True justice and equity cannot exist where love and empathy are lacking. I’m a visual person, so, as I considered this possibility, I pictured it in my mind, and I ended up illustrating this concept.
I was going for relatability, so this here is a photo of a common Southeastern habitat, a longleaf pine forest, which is one of the most biodiverse habitats in North America. Diversity is present at all levels of the ecosystem and is integral to the health and sustainability of the habitat. Diversity and inclusion are depicted here by the double-sided purple arrows going in each direction. Love and empathy are the sustenance, the soil, nutrients, and the water, depicted here by rust-colored hearts. Justice and equity are nurtured and grow from this foundation like the tall pines and longleaf species and other flora in the photo, depicted by green circles.
Granted, this is an oversimplification of the elements necessary to foster a well-balanced society, but I am not the first person to draw a connection between love and justice. The philosopher and political activist Dr. Cornel West is known for the statement: “Justice is what love looks like in public.” Love is embodied as justice near and justice far. In 2017, in the early days of the Trump administration, the Pride Foundation published a column that drew on Dr. Cornel West’s quote. The author wrote, “We must stand firm in our belief that every person deserves the opportunity to live openly and safely … Ultimately, all of the actions we take in moments like this to lift up our shared humanity will move us along the path toward justice. Because they are, fundamentally, acts of unconditional love.”
Love as a Moral Value
The song we sang today as our meditation hymn is called “There is More Love Somewhere.” The song is an African American slavery-era hymn that, in the words of the UUA, “reminds us that no matter what our personal circumstances, focusing on the healing potential of love helps us to go on.” The song was later given the alternate title of “Biko,” in honor of South African activist Stephen Bantubiko, known as Biko, a medical student who founded the South African Student Organization in 1968 in response to the racist practices of the existing student association of apartheid South Africa at the time. Biko was beaten to death in 1977 while being interrogated after being arrested. In the words of the UUA: “His courage to work for freedom continues to inspire us in the ongoing fight against injustice in all its forms.” Biko showed great love for himself and for others even when love was in short supply in the world around him.
The hymn “There is More Love Somewhere” expresses hope and determination, like that exemplified by Biko. Kimberley Debus, who blogs about UU hymns, calls this hymn “a song of lament and aspiration.” Debus goes on to say, “Even in a loving community, there is ALWAYS more love, peace, hope, and joy to be found, as long as there is hate, oppression, war, and injustice in the world.”
The influential thinker and writer bell hooks, who I referenced earlier, described love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, free from domination, coercion, or abuse. Former UUA president Frederick-Gray invoked hooks in a 2019 column that Frederick-Gray wrote about love. In the column, Frederick-Gray recognized love as “the core teaching and practice of what it means to be a Unitarian Universalist.” As we recite together here each week, “Love is the spirit of this church.”
In our current moment with increasing polarization and isolation, self-retreat into defined bubbles, loneliness has become a concern. More than half of Americans report feeling lonely, including older people and younger people. Data indicates that loneliness may be as detrimental as smoking in terms of the impacts on health, physical health as well as mental health. Groups espousing racist, misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic messages are targeting people who are lonely – especially teenage boys and men – to offer them an antidote to loneliness in the form of joining movements for hate. Love and empathy are also antidotes for loneliness. In fact, love and empathy are the best antidotes for loneliness. We see and feel that in our church.
In these days, we face a seemingly endless litany of injustices – from threats against democracy to political and religious ideologies that dehumanize whole swaths of people, from verbal insults and lies to physical violence, rape, and murder. Frederick-Gray writes, “On a fundamental level, [these injustices] are spiritual challenges, and they reflect the way we have come as a society to denigrate the value of love and compassion as an essential spiritual and moral value.”
As UUs, we must continue to enshrine the value of love and compassion in our personal, public, civic, political, and spiritual lives, in all facets of who we are, individually and collectively. We do this here at church and in the community in many of the ways that I discussed earlier. We do this on a larger scale through collective efforts such as the UU Side with Love campaign. Side with Love can be captured this way: “With the goal of creating beloved community, the campaign pursues social change through advocacy, public witness, and speaking out in solidarity with those whose lives are publicly demeaned.”
Currently, the Side with Love campaign is working on a project that you may have seen in the media under the title of Stop Cop City. Cop City refers to an effort by the city of Atlanta to greatly increase militarization of the police force while building a mammoth corporate-backed $90 million training complex on currently forested land. The Side with Love campaign is working alongside coalitions in Atlanta, actively collecting petitions for a citizen’s referendum that would allow Atlanta voters to decide on the future of this project. An email message I recently received from the Stop Cop City campaign described it this way: “[Our power is in] neighbors showing photos of their children, talking about their hopes for their schools. It is walking in to be greeted with a warm and familiar welcome and leaving hearing ‘Thank you, sis.’ … The reason this city has erupted with activity to collect 70,000 signatures is simply a love that is rooted and cultivated in the legacy of struggles for justice won and lost on southern soil.”
We know very well about struggles for justice won and lost on southern soil. Many of us have been intimately involved in these various struggles. Here in this part of Florida, we are a small but mighty congregation. We have an incredible capacity to see our faces in each other’s eyes and to show up in love and empathy. I have been moved time and again by the impact of this congregation as we go out into the world and live our values, creating ripples of love and justice that far exceed our numbers. It makes sense for a congregation that vows to Celebrate Diversity, Strive for Justice, and Inspire Love.
I will close with more words from Rev. Dr. Susan Frederick-Gray: “To be a faith of action with love as our doctrine doesn’t mean we live it perfectly, but it does mean we are called again and again to learn, to make amends, to restore relationship, to choose love.”
Text of a talk originally presented 08/13/23 at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Pensacola
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